Johnny Appleseed

Bob the Hobo does not know how to read, which is why he had to take reading lessons when he found a book lying on the street. Of course, he failed miserably. So, lets just agrees that he DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO READ AND WILL NEVER LEARN HOW TO READ! OK, so when he found the book, he was really interested. He had never seen anything so... weird! And he wanted to read it. He went house to house to see if anyone would read it to him. Obviously, know one would. I mean, if a weird hobo showed up at your door and asked you to read him a book, would you??? Probably not, unless you were a little weird upstairs. Anyway, finally he found that person who was weird upstairs, a little old granny with white hair up in a bun. Stereotypical, yes, but it does happen. She was a widow, and was lonely, so she was just happy and offered to read the book because she wanted company. The book was about Johnny Appleseed. Bob became soooo absorbed he actually listened to the whole thing without doing something Bob the Hobo-like. After the granny was done, (Miss Molasses was her name, or at least that was what Bob heard), Bob thanked her and left very fast. The poor Miss Molasses was very sad to see him go, but at least he had left her the interesting book about Johnny Appleseed. Besides, he might come back another time. Anyhow, Bob now saw Johnny as a role model, and wanted to be just like him. So, the next time he got a strawberry, he picked out all the little seeds in on the outside. He did that with, say, the next 23 strawberries he got. He probably ended up with... a LOT of seeds. You cannot make me do the math. I guesstimate, though, about 1,649 seeds. As you have guessed, he wanted to be Bobby Strawberry(seed??). Ha ha. So he went around digging up holes in peoples yards and burying one seed in each hole. People yelled at him for making holes in their yards, but he knew he was doing a good deed, so he just ignored them. But the strawberry bushes (trees??) didn't grow!!! HE got all mad and threw the rest of his seeds at the next person he saw. Then, he went and dug up all the places where he had buried the strawberry seeds. Then he went home and cried his eyes out. Poor, poor, Bob. If YOU want to make him feel better, call 555-2552 to tell him... whatever you wanna tell him to make him feel better!

abbY!!

ps any number that starts with 555 is a fake number.

What Bob did on Black Friday

Humming to himself, Bob skipped down the aisle of his local Wal-mart. Today was such a joyous day! He still had some turkey left over from the National Hobo Turkey Dinner yesterday, and lots of normal people were out at the mall for some reason.

Bob leaned over to inspect a price tag. WOW! His eyes bugged out. This price was... RIDICULOUS! What was wrong with America that they would buy  a Barbie doll for TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS! Bob pursed his lips, attempting to think hard about this problem. Slowly, the answer dawned on him.

What did all little girls do as a rite of passage as they became teenagers? Why, chop up their dolls of course. And to do that they would need a doll.

Bob beamed. Of course! He felt so proud of himself for delving into the deep, twisted pit of the female psyche. He had done what no man had done before.

Bob felt so proud of himself that he waltzed up to the bored, teenage clerk and asked if he could have a Barbie doll, no charge. He was rewarded with a sorta scared look from the clerk. As he was pondering what the clerk was trying to do, the tough, skinny, vegan security guards grabbed him from behind and kicked him out the door.

Bob was so sad, he broke down crying in front of the store. He was that places's karma: people were so freaked out by the sight of him that they gave Wal-Mart a twenty foot berth. The store went out of business soon after; no one would touch the place with a fifty foot pole, even if you had payed them (which, coincidentally, they eventually tried to do).

So in the end, Bob the Hobo won. He had ruined Black Friday for the populace.

And Bob saw what he had done and was Proud.

Bob, you mean so much more to us than we tell you.

Dear blog reader,
If you haven't noticed, this blog is not only about Bob, but about our lives. Besides writing (well...typing) about Bob and his (mis)adventures, we also express our (inquisitive, intelligent minds through a dry sense of humor. No, just kidding. We are not teddy bears, no matter what you think. Though they may have rubbed off on us just a little.) life and feelings THROUGH Bob. We can ask him to do anything for us. note: we do not use IMPERIO!well, nevermind. We can have him, say, insult someone we privately hate...you get the picture.

Conclusion: We manipulate Bob for our own uses.

And so: Bob sees New Moon

As he has been living under a rock, Bob, out of sheer curiosity, decided to see New Moon. (he managed to con a ticket out of the ticket master.) He kept asking questions to the teenage girls sitting behind him, and was eventually kicked out by an usher.

New Moon is out! Success!

OK, so any of you readers who are teenage and female (or even if you're a guy) know what New Moon is. If you don't, then you have, quite clearly, been living under a rock- no offence intended.

But back to the original rant.

Anyway, I just saw New Moon (plot spoiler alert!!!!) today with a couple of my friends. Totally, totally, incredibly better than Twilight which, like, sucked majorly because of its total lack of a budget. With its sparkly budget, New Moon has founding for a lot of special effects and it uses that fact. Special effects are everywhere and some of them are, in fact, largely useless.

The movie is also two and a half hours long, which is kind of annoying when you consider the fact that, hey, Edward is gone for most of the movie, so that must mean its mostly Bella-Jacob bonding time. While I appreciate that they put in some effort in developing a relationship, I still don't want to spend that long hearing about it.

As a side note: is it just me or are the actors' eyebrows strangely over-accentuated? Because I know I was staring at Edward and Bella's eyebrows during a couple of scenes instead of actually watching the movie.

Plus, the end is KILLER. I CAN'T WAIT FOR ECLIPSE!!!!!!! God, I'm going to start counting the days until it comes out!

As Thanksgiving Comes Up..

A note on the holiday feeling.

As the holiday of sharing comes up, and we begin to see the edges of the wonderful winter holidays, I find myself reflecting on how those holidays began. Did those kind, good Samaritan Native Americans know that every kind thing that they did for the hapless settlers would be recorded and celebrated years later? Of course, their bravery in the face of the Pale-Faces is admirable.

And, um, correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't those very settlers the same ones to bring diseases that killed off huge amounts of helpless Natives? This just goes to show me that we only remember the stuff that promotes a good, patriotic feeling.

Although, really, I guess I don't have a problem with that. I just dislike having to continue that patriotic, we're-all-a-family feeling and go down to visit the family every holiday.

A word to the wise, from the wise: expect one of these rants at pretty much any family oriented holiday- I hate road trips.

What REALLY Goes On At Our Workplace

If you have a thing called curiosity you may be wondering what on Earth we do as a job that could cause us to crank out such weird stuff. Well, here it is.

We work at a deadly secret facility where we make a synthetic creation known as "Teddy Bears." The Teddies have intelligent, inquisitive minds; they epress this through their very dry sense of humor. In fact, the other day one of them asked me to relay this message to the world: We are the clones of high-ranking officials. With the power of our amazing brains and the prestige our forms give us, WE WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD. MWUAHAHAHA.

If this actually worries you government types, don't worry, they were joking... as far as you know...

One day we accidentally inhaled ammonium hydroxide, and the fumes made eveyone feel rather funny. Much, much later it started showing when we threw a party for Teddy Bush, who had died that day. Sadly, no one much liked Teddy Bush, because of his namesake. Still, the party was great and I got to meet some of my more eccentric coworkers.

And, because this is a story about how this blog started, we, the eccentrics, banded together and formed the great Bob Files! In fact, you could almost say that some of these stories are about a Teddy Bob. But don't tell any of my co-writers that...

And that is the story!